I'm trying to find back myself...

but its been too deep that i lost it somewhere..
and its been too long that i lost track of where it goes.

I'm so used to how i am now.. that i forgotten about my origin self.

i kind of contradict myself...
being so lost can be a fantasy
but being conscious is an agony

i know this isn't real. never will it become real.. all these while.. its just my imagination.
having it been part of my life should it be said as a blessing one? or it is actually an obstacle in my life? sigh.. i'm so cock up with what and who i am now.

its not that i don't want to be what i'm supposed to be. but whatever I'm doing can be too over and scary. i tend to have this "weird" character in me.

whenever I'm concerning about u, i will over do it. it become so important to me that i won't want to miss out anything. i will plan thoughtfully and want to give the perfect care. it can be too perfect that it makes ppl think i'm crazy. if i know i failed to make any surprise possible, not having the fullest satisfaction, i will be pissed with myself..
always having a back up plan if anything goes wrong. sometimes.. if i cant think of any idea. I'm best not to be irritated because i will blow up anytime. but when i found what i want.. and i'm satisfied with what i had come out with, i will be in that delighted and pleased mood.

I'm also used to checking out on you till i feel i'm like a pervert. arggg... damn shitty feelings. why do i have to keep looking out on you to make sure u are doing good, doing well..
and if happen to see someone who wants to go near u.. i will dislike that person. esp.... stranger GUYS! seriously.. hate them to the core... sorry. but i will!

I'm so insane until I'm quite afraid of myself at times.

is this me? all these while this is what i am doing. i lose the right perspective of my life le. did i?

Labels: dntbeemohwan